Today Maya is a week old. Time sure flew by. It feels like I just had her yesterday. I love her so much already. I didn’t think I had room in my heart left to love another. I thought my son took and kept all the love for himself. I thought I’d given it all to him. I can’t wait for him to meet her. Due to how troubling my health was after she got here, he’s still up in Cleveland at his grandparents house having a ball.
I’m sitting here as I’m typing this crying my eyes out. I knew those hormones was going to wait after I had her to rear their ugly head. I’m so happy and I feel like I don’t deserve it. I’m always beating myself up and oftentimes, it isn’t warranted.
As far as Maya goes, shes wonderful, she eats a lot, sleeps a lot, pees and poops a lot. She doesn’t cry a lot or open her eyes a lot, but that will probably come with time. I noticed that I’m less stressed out this time around. When my son was born, I kind of hated life. Late night formula feedings were such a pain. I regret not sticking to breastfeeding, listening to those people at WIC telling me to switch to formula because they thought I wasn’t making enough still bug me. Now, all I have to do is pop a boob out and everyone is happy.
I also don’t feel like I’m doing this alone and getting judged every five seconds because they feel since they raised their nieces and nephews that they have the right to belittle my new parenting. It feels good to be at ease. I have to say that I’m really enjoying parenting.
My son is awesome, he’s great, he’s the apple …of my eye. On the other hand, he can drive me nuts, and he runs me ragged. I would pull my hair out if he wasn’t already doing it himself. Between school, work and other responsibilities, I find myself tired more and more these days. I don’t exactly have a support system. My ex-husband tells me every weekend that he’ll come and get the baby for the weekend and he never does. He either have excuses or he changes his mind. I don’t want to complain but this mom is worn out. There’s absolutely no one that I can let my son spend time with so I can get 5 minutes to myself. Maybe I want to pamper myself, or sit and read? Am I undeserving of those comforts now? I know those kinds of things stop when you have children but I shouldn’t have to wait till my son goes to sleep to start on school work or have time to myself. I should be able to do these things during daylight hours.
I was so looking forward to having a little time to myself this weekend; I had my hopes up for nothing. I now – when I think about it — notices a pattern; he’ll (ex-husband)disappear from planet earth from Friday to Sunday evening. That night, he’ll text me saying why he couldn’t spend time with his son; why I couldn’t have 2 measly days to myself.
This is my schedule from Monday to Thursday:
- Get ready for work.
- Take baby to daycare.
- Go to work.
- Finish work for the day.
- Pick up son.
- Go home.
- Feed son.
- Entertain son until that night.
- Start on school work.
- Go to bed.
Fun, right? Not! Don’t get me wrong, my life could be worse but even still, am I that undeserving of a little me time? I’m afraid of what’s going to happen to my mental state after awhile. I may tune out my hopes of having such privileges and start thinking like a machine; I feel like one.
I’m simply, getting sick of the run around with my son’s father. Then when I get on him about what he says he’ll do, I’m the one that has to “relax” or be patient”? Really? I’ve been patient. I’m taking care of my son with no support from him whatsoever! It’s like I don’t have a right to be pissed, to be tired.
Well, I need to cut this short and get in the bed and get as much sleep as I can before my son wakes up at 3 and then at 5 wanting to play.
I’ve witnessed separation anxiety in an infant before. She wasn’t mine but she thought I was hers.
There was a time before I had kids where when I would be around someone else kids and I don’t pay them no mind, they would try their hardest to get my attention. Anyone ever notice how persistent children are? Nah, me either. I could be sitting in a doctor’s office, minding my business when a wild jigglypuff appears! Nah, I kid — it’s just a kid who wants to climb up my pant leg and sit on my lap and grab my chin with their gums, no issue there. Kids have always seem drawn to me — I’m a complete stranger to them. Anyway, let me get to the point of this blog before I bore you to death.
It’s a time every infant go through what experts call ‘separation anxiety’. What the experts didn’t do is give it a scale; from mild to extreme. My son has extreme separation anxiety and it makes my heart sad, makes me feel bad for leaving and going anywhere without him. It makes me want to kiss him until he stops screaming “mama” and falling out (speaking of that, one day he’s going to do that and it’s going to hurt). This little dude watches everything mommy does. When mommy puts on her clothes and gets ready to go someplace, it’s like the calm before the storm. When I grab my shoes he gets worried. When I put on my sweater, his eyes start moving back and forth. When I grab my coat he starts moaning. When I reach for the keys, he’s kicking his feet while opening and closing hands. As soon as I close the door…”mama, mama, mama, mama”. It’s been bought to my attention that the mama’s doesn’t stop until he hear me coming in the house or he tires himself out.
When he wakes up and I’m sitting there looking at him, he starts crying this “why did you leave me?!” cry and he doesn’t stop this cry until he’s in my arms yanking off my glasses and trying to gum me to death.
What I need to do is to be ready. I need to find out how long this ordeal will last. Longer than terrible two’s? Longer than teething? I don’t think my face can take anymore of his gum attacks — with drool twice as lethal. I love my son but I hope all of this don’t make him into a mommy’s boy.
When I came home, I was expecting my son to be sitting in his chair looking at his dad. When I come home and enter through the door, I see my son on my bed crying his eyes out reaching out to me happy to see someone. That’s right, my soon to be ex-husband, left my son alone and for what? So he can go hang with someone in the building to play PS3, smoke and drink. How old is he you ask? He’ll be 26 this year. I can’t get that image of him crying alone for who knows how long out of my head. I sat there and timed how long it’s been since I found my son in that condition and how long it was gone before he home. 15-20 minutes went by. I managed to make 3-4 phone calls in that time. So if I didn’t come home when I did, he would have still been crying. The door was unlocked, my son was alone and all I could do is hope this was just a cruel joke — that he is just hiding somewhere just to pop out and scare me. That wasn’t the case.
Anything could have happened…my worst fear was someone calling child protective services because they hear a baby crying and he’s been crying for a while and it sounds like no one is home. These apartment walls are made oftissue paper and the neighbors can hear any and everything. I’m just glad I came home when I did. Someone that reckless with an innocent life can’t be in my life. I love my son too much to put him in danger like that. All it takes is one time. I have to the best interest of my child first before mine or anyone else. It’s too many careless parents out there as it is, I’m not about to be one of them.
I thought leaving my son with his father would be the logical choice but I guess not. Who knows how many times he’s done this when I went out to handle something. My heart hurts for my son. I had a crack-head prostitute for a mother and she did the same thing to me. It was 10x worse but neglect is neglect and I won’t tolerate it! My son is my world and I’m supposed to protect him and that’s what I’m going to do. No matter what.
Update: I confronted my sons dad. He said he was only gone for 10 minutes (which is a lie). There is nothing more important that he couldn’t wait til I got back. You’re not supposed to put nothing or no one over an innocent child. I don’t care if my son was 3 years old, he’s not supposed to be left unattended. There is no justification for leaving my son alone. He laughed and threw a few whatever’s around like I wasn’t supposed to be mad. I had every right to be mad. Well, he’s living with his mom now, I wonder if he finds that funny.
This is your first thanksgiving and I hope you’re having a wonderful time! I’m sorry I couldn’t be there with you and your Dad today,
I know you were wonder where I was. I went to go spend time with my grandmother and aunt today. They were looking forward to seeing the both of us but I told them I’ll bring you next time. I’m so thankful you sweetie! I were that I could never have children; that I was infertile, but here you are, in my life and I’m so grateful. I knew I was going to fall head over heels when I heard your heartbeat for the first time. I really fell in love with you when I was able to hold you in my arms. I missed you a lot today. I wanted to take a trip over to where you spent thanksgiving after I left granny’s but it got too late and it’s the holidays, the buses run really slow.
It’s days like this people neglect the most. I’m going to cherish every single moment with you. I hold you a lot at night — after you have fallen asleep — it brings me peace. I feel like I have a purpose now, I feel needed; wanted, loved. I can’t wait till you come home so I can hold you in my arms and kiss your fat cheeks. I love you sweetheart.