I Don’t Know Who My Father Is | The side of me I don’t know

I’m almost 30…

& I don’t know who my father is. I don’t have a name or a point in the right direction. No, my mother isn’t a deaf-mute, she’s not dead, her tongue wasn’t cut from her mouth, her hands still work fine; she just refuse to tell me anything about my father. All she can tell me is that he’s dead and even that can be a lie because she doesn’t have proof. That was proven eons ago.

My mother and I were never close, but she lived with my siblings and me on and off throughout my childhood. Not once did she sit me down and tell me who my father was. Not even in a drunken stupor would she say anything, now that I think about it. I say that because when that woman is drunk, she blurts any and everything out of her mouth. It must be heavily embedded in the back of her head, locked in a lock box that she herself don’t have the key to. It’s in the family bank where there are no customers. She’s the client, teller, and security. She’s not doing good at either of those jobs.

There’s a part of me out there I have no clue about.

& It’s driving me insane. I called my grandmother begging, hoping, crying and pleading; wishing she had more information that could help figure out who my father is. She is in the dark as much as I am. I believe her when she told me she tried for years to get her to open up about my father, she just clams up and pretend she didn’t hear her. How is that fair to the children she brought into this world? I didn’t lay down and have myself.

“I love you!”

That’s the furthest from the truth and I wish she would stop saying it. A mother would tell them who their father is whether they’re dead or not, whether she turned tricks and did drugs or not. As a responsible adult, it’s the right thing to do for the children she didn’t bother taking care of but benefitted from. She was able to pick and choose which children functions she would show up to. She never showed up to ANY of mine.

Now, I know there’s this angst with bitter black women who hate the person they lay down to make mistakes with, but to continue making more mistakes once that mistake is brought into this world isn’t fair and she knows it. Her selfishness and narcissism are clouding whatever good judgment she has left; if she ever had any. I’ve never seen anyone as careless, neglectful, and selfish as her.

She already told me she hated me and there’s not 1 single “I love you” that can prove otherwise because her actions are speaking volumes. I was better off aborted.

How?

How can she look at herself in the mirror to slap on makeup everyday liking the person staring back at her? How can she be so deep in her own emotions that she’s neglecting to see that she’s hurting the very same children she swears up and down she love? How can she foolishly lay down with someone that once she got up vowed to never speak of them ever again no matter how many people beg and plead for her to speak up? How can she not give a reasonable explanation to who my father is or what he looked like? How many people did she sleep with? How is any of this fair or reasonable to me?

At this point, there’s nothing she can say that will make me hate her any more than I already do. She did her dirt so she should own up to it and stop being a coward. I just want a name at least, but I’m not even deserving of that.

She is most likely going to take the truth to her grave.

There are people, family members I will probably never know because of my mother’s selfishness; because of her shitty past. I don’t know what possible health conditions my father had and the fact that he was dead around the time I was born meant he died young, depending on who he was and how old he was. What if I passed something on to my children? What if they need a detailed health history from both my “mom” and my dad? I know I did when I needed to do certain tests for my kids. I’m so fucking tired of having to put “N/A” in the father section when it comes to providing information about him. I would like to know about the other half of me and meet his family. What if he’s actually alive? What if I’ve seen my family members and didn’t even know? What about them? There’s a possibility that they could be looking for me. Then again, my “mom” was a prostitute and if she’s this tight-lipped about my father, it’s most likely she didn’t tell anyone.

I don’t care if she was molested, raped, abused, whatever I deserve answers! She can’t drink herself into a hole where no one can reach her. She had to have known that eventually, her kids will want to know. As smart as she is she’s stupid as hell. You can’t live with your kids, beat them, verbally abuse them, neglect them since before they were born, develop memories with them, be a part of their lives and not expect them to ask questions about who they are!

There’s a level of respect and she don’t deserve it because she doesn’t respect me enough to tell me anything about the other half of me. Which is why when granny tried to make me talk to her when she was coming over when I had moved in that last time I wasn’t having it. I’m not throwing away my principles for someone who don’t even care that their kids are in the dark about who they are. Fuck that and fuck her. Blood is thicker than water, yes, but it doesn’t mean shit if that blood is useless.

I shouldn’t have to pay for something mom could tell me for free

I have to possibly find a test that can maybe, kind of, possibly give me at least a clue. If I can get that, I’d be happy. The problem is, the test cost too much for my budget, so that may be a while. In the meantime, there’s nothing wrong with my mother telling me. She just doesn’t want to because she’s the victim in all of this. I honestly couldn’t give two shits about her problems. She doesn’t give a fuck about me.

I’m done giving her chance after chance to be an adult. I’m too old for this and she’s way too old for this. No amount of alcohol is going to change the past so she needs to put on her big girl panties and deal with it, because if I find out through other means, she’ll never hear from me again; which is what she most likely wants.

I Thought Everything Was Okay…

Source: Deviant art: Ajgiel

Source: Deviant art: Ajgiel

I’m not the greatest person to be in a relationship with, I know that, but I’ve sat here thinking that my relationship was okay. We moved away from our huge problems and I thought that what was wrong with us. Soon as we moved things got better. I was happy to get away from the hell hole I was in. I thought everything was okay.

A little back history: I’ve never been in a relationship where the person I’m with truly cared about me. I’ve never been in a relationship where I would be up worrying and pacing back and forth about them when they leave to run an errand. I never been in a relationship where I loved this hard. I’ve never been so afraid to lose someone who wasn’t my son.

I’m the least affectionate person anyone would ever know. It’s mostly because I was never treated that way in life before my fiancé came along. The rest is from fear. Fear that if I let that person have that last 5% of my heart they’ll leave or I’ll lose them in a way. I’m afraid if I stop worrying, if I don’t give them that last 5% they’ll be okay; they’ll always be around. By they I mean my fiancé.

Anyway, today my fiancé finally told me how he felt even though I was led to believe despite the things that were already made aware that everything was okay. How wrong I was and I feel like shit. I’ve left my fiancé thinking that I don’t care about him or his feelings, that I don’t find him attractive because my awkward, outward responses to certain things he do. I honestly don’t blame him. Saying that I was like this with all my other significant others wouldn’t make it any better. It would actually contradict my first statement. How could I tell someone I would give my life for; the only one outside of my son that make me happy and want to live and breathe for that “It’s like this with everyone I’m with“? What? That’s not right.

There are huge changes between my past relationships and this one but don’t mean shit. I’m at a crossroads on what I should do, how I should feel. I’ve been thinking about what he said all day and I can’t help but beat myself up over it. It’s hard because I thought we were okay. He tells me that he’ll get over it but I don’t want him to. I may not be all that good with relationships but that doesn’t sound like something that can be gotten over. I’m just at lost for words right now and I don’t even know how to approach bringing it back up. I’m not sure how much it took for him to even tell me but when he did I didn’t really say anything, I just left it alone and left the room. Super dick move, right? I know.

I just know how I am. I know how I can get. I can get defensive and that’s not what was needed right then.

I’m questioning my part in this relationship. I feel that it’s not wise to get married, not for a while. Not until I can be the person I need to be in order for this relationship to last like I desperately want it to. I thought I was doing things different this time. I thought since I opened up more than I ever have; cared more than I ever have; cherished more than I ever have that I thought everything was okay. Well everything isn’t, not at all. I honestly don’t know what to do or say.

I think when the last bit of self-esteem and confidence disappeared 3 years ago that’s when part of me gave up – I’m stuck on which part gave up. I honestly don’t know. From the confusion on whether I’m asexual or if it’s just my libido that’s fucked up from getting molested for so many years as a child from getting forced to do things with my ex-husband that I didn’t want to do or said no to from trying to see what they see when they look at me when all I see is this ugly decrepit woman, it has me emotionally confused. My mind is running all over the place when my fiancé looks at me. My mind is all over the place when I hear my voice when I talk to him. My mind is running all over the place when I’m naked in front of him. My mind is all over the place when he pulls me close at night. My mind is in constantly in nonstop unrest. I go to sleep and wake up feeling the same way. I feel like I don’t deserve him.

I wish I could tell him how I feel, but I wouldn’t know where to begin; I wouldn’t know how to say it. I’ve always been one of those types that could type out thoughts better than standing in front of someone and speak my mind unless I’m angry. Then, I’m like a drunk person, my thoughts get a voice and they’re the truest words that leave my mouth. Usually when I get that mad I regret nothing because I always mean what I say. Always. I never once go back and apologize for what I said when I’m angry because they were my honest, raw feelings. I used to throw shit when I was angry, now that I have kids, it’s better to voice what I’m feeling.

My fiancé wants it to go back to how things were when we first met. I didn’t think things changed that much since then. It just shows how oblivious and how far off I was with thinking everything was okay.

I never want to not be in his life, but if we don’t make it, it won’t be anyone’s fault but mine. I’m so fucking stupid.

I never had someone who loved me this hard and this much. Any woman with a modicum of common sense would be lucky to be in my shoes and here I am fucking it up and not even knowing it – well now I do, but before today…didn’t have the slightest clue. I just wish I knew what to do besides listen to him and understand that those are his feelings. I feel so helpless.

I have this feeling that my depression, my low self-esteem, and lack of confidence is going to be what kill something I’ve been looking for practically all of my life. I’d be so devastated and I’ll probably fall back into that slump I was in before I met him. Popping antidepressants and snapping at everything that rubs me the wrong way.

We’ve had so many firsts and so many good memories throughout this relationship. There’s definitely more good in this relationship than bad. We’ve been in our new place since August and we’ve argued once. We are on the same level on so many things, but when it comes to me and who I am and how I see things, I’m water and he’s oil. I’m so used to being attacked, talked down on, lied on, used, abused that my first thing to do is throw up a wall and immediately get defensive. I wish I could stop that. I wish I could stop bottling up my emotions, too, but I know that’s something that will have to be rewired in my brain over time.

He was willing to take me, my son and my baggage without blinking. He immediately treated me like his equal and protected my son. He’d come to my son’s speech therapy lessons, travel up to see me in Cleveland when I was still living there. He helped me get off of Cymbalta, he helped me find a happiness in my life and so much more and I can’t even get something as simple as sex right. What kind of wife would I be? There’s so much I want to tell him, so much I want to do for him, but I’m so much of a fucking coward that I’ll fuck it all up.

I’m in a birth group for when I’m due on BabyCenter.com and a lot of those women are bitter, sad, mad and having so many issues with their husbands, boyfriends, fiances, etc. A lot of them end up saying: “I never thought this would be me. Never thought this would be me. I’m always seeing other women lose their significant others. I was so sure that we were secure in our relationship and now here I am!” I’m not foolish enough to sit and think losing my fiancé isn’t plausible. It very well can happen to me and I think about that every single day.

I love my fiancé, my son and my unborn daughter more than I’ll ever love myself.

Baby Daddy Drama: You Want to See Him Or You Can’t!

I’m black, if you haven’t noticed. We don’t exactly have good track records on who [we] lay down and have kids with. The guy usually ends up being a dead-beat once he finds out he may be the father. This is not one of those cases. I’m one of those who know exactly who I lay down and having unprotected intercourse with – or so I thought.

My son’s father is on a mission: a mission to piss me the hell off. We argue and disagree on the amount of time Adam Jr. gets to spend with Adam Sr. and it’s not much. He’ll say, “I can’t see him right now, I’m trying to get my life together and I can’t just bring him with me to my parents house because they may have things to do”. Well today, he get’s on Facebook and decides to blast me on my news feed. Saying that he had to “track me down” because I can’t send him a phone call. He knows his son is fine and he’ll know if he wasn’t. I can’t call anyone if my phone is lost and off. He’d be pissed if I used my ex-boyfriend’s phone to call him, right? Right.

That was some tracking down he did, I bet all it took was 2 minutes to log into Facebook and send me that asinine comment.

I’m getting sick of his excuses on why he cannot see his son. He works at the football stadium – 12-hour shifts and what kills me is he don’t work the entire week. The days he don’t work, he’s playing HALO 4 on his Xbox 360. Okay if he can play with people on a console in – I guess – a house that’s not his, he can see spend time with his son in the very same house, right? Right. I’m not the one being evasive here; I want him to spend time with his son.

The moment he get’s mad when things don’t go his way, he’ll make a statement by saying something he think will get under my skin. There’s only so many times he can mention Johnny, or Ced before it loses its effect. All of the times he think I’m avoiding his phone calls because he think I have company over, I’m usually asleep. I’m not avoiding his calls, I have a crappy phone with even crappier service and he’s constantly complaining about it but won’t buy me a new one.

For someone who can find a way to come and get my Turtle Beach headphones from me so he can talk to his friends on his Xbox 360 while playing Halo 4, he don’t have the same effort to come and see his son. I’m getting sick of his victimizing shit and the excuses – I’m fed up.

He wants to see him but he can’t. “I haven’t seen my son in a month (it hasn’t been no damn month) and I’m getting tired of having to track you down”. Wait, I thought you couldn’t see your son, I thought you had “to get your life together”? What happened to that? Are you having a bad day? Well, I don’t give a rat’s ass, you go ahead and have a bad day but leave me out of it. He needs to make up his mind before I make it up for him. He wants me to take him off Child Support but now that I think about it, why would I do that? He say’s he could pay me what they’re paying me but he’s not paying me a damn thing and they aren’t either. They can’t pay me if he’s not making squat! Even so, if he could pay me with whatever change he gets from working those 2 – maybe 3 days he actually show up, he wouldn’t pay me anyway. He got to “pay back his dad all the money he owe” and all the other people he borrowed money from.

What a load of shit I’ve gotten myself into…

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Republican State Senator Wants Single Parenthood Labeled as Child Abuse

Glenn Grothmann, a GOP state senator in Wisconsin, is proposing a bill that would label being a single parent as a contributing factor to child abuse. Ever notice how it’s men who come up with these asinine laws? Their may be studies that show the rate of child abuse to be higher in single parent homes than others but so what? Let me just say this: the president was raised in a single parent home.

There are many reasons why women choose to raise their child alone. Let’s start off with my reason. My soon to be ex-husband left my son alone for 20 minutes and left the door unlocked. To keep CPS out of my life and my son safe, I kicked his ass to the curb and would do it again. Other reasons such as,domestic abusedrug abusealcohol abuse, unemployment, neglect, poverty; the list goes on.

48.982 (2) (g) 2. Promote statewide educational and public awareness campaigns and materials for the purpose of developing public awareness of the problems of child abuse and neglect. In promoting those campaigns and materials, the board shall emphasize non-marital parenthood as a contributing factor to child abuse and neglect.

I’ve been a single parent for 11 days now and there are no signs of abuse going on. My son is very happy and he doesn’t even notice that his dad is gone — simply because his dad didn’t spend too much time with him, video games were more important as well as few other things. I couldn’t be happier, my son couldn’t be happier so what’s the problem? Why should I be labeled as a child abuser because I chose to keep my son out of the system and out of harms way? What about the women who had no choice but to be a single parent because the dad (or mother) walked away? What about the women and men who have spouses in the military? Are they child abusers too? Two parents may be ideal but this guy lives in la-la land if he thinks every parenting situation is either black or white. Where are all the legislative bills that speak out against all the other stated contributing factors of child abuse, such as alcoholism, drug abuse, etc.? How about making criminals responsible for their abuse, not targeting single parents.

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You Can’t Be Serious, Moms…

Peanut butter Cheerios dangerous? You know what’s more dangerous than that? Lazy parents. It seems like some parents are depending on society to raise their child. As a parent are you so lazy that you can’t take the extra precautions for kids who have those allergies. You want to protest on banning violent games, and Cheerios; but you can’t keep your child safe and tell them of their allergic reaction to peanuts? Come on! Peanut butter needs to be banned huh? Well so does nickel, shellfish, Penicillin, and everything else that would call for an epipen — or a trip to the emergency room— like a car or a bicycle accident. I have a severe allergic reaction seafood; I can’t have any of it, and for safety measures I don’t dine anywhere where there’s seafood (i.e. Red Lobster) just to be sure I don’t kill myself. It’s as simple as that.

The women over at Allergy Moms, get the epipen out your behinds and protect your kids. I’m 24, I’ve known about my allergic reaction for majority of the 24 — soon to be 25 years of life on this planet. My grandmother made sure I was okay and she’s disabled! She didn’t have to do too much because, who brings seafood to school? To a park? You can never be sure but she did what she could and I’ve only had to use an epipen once and that’s because I didn’t know I was allergic. I haven’t had an issue since.

You can protest and demand that peanut butter Cheerios be banned because they look like regular Cheerios until you turn into a Cheerio. Well, what about Honey-nut Cheerios (Yea yea, they’re made of a different nut but people are allergic to those too)? Why aren’t they banned? I’m asking the wrong questions. What’s wrong with simply not buying the peanut butter Cheerios? What’s so hard about that? Is it because children may bring them to school and other children who are in fact allergic may want some not realizing they’re allergic to peanuts? I may be a bit harsh but honestly, there isn’t any excuse, make the staff check the contents; make the staff send a letter home to their parents. Call a PTA meeting. There are many ways other than banning a cereal just because your child is allergic to peanuts. That’s not fair to the people who aren’t.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a mom and I understand the peanut allergy is a dangerous one but, I wish there were more warnings about other allergens. What about people who are allergic to artificial sweeteners? Peanut warnings are everywhere. You don’t see a single warning on a label of something that hasartificial sweeteners! And to top it off, the artificial sweeteners go by many names which makes it harder to recognize them when listed in the ingredients. You want to know people has survived in this day and age of almost everything containing artificial sweeteners? They educated themselves and knows what to avoid! Teach your children the same thing and they should be fine! Don’t go banning everything because there’s a risk of injury/death. Going based on that logic, cars should be banned too because being in one can lead to injury or death.

Currently, Honey Nut Cheerios, Banana Nut Cheerios, and Oat Cluster Cheerios Crunch contain ALMOND. Only Multi Grain Cheerios Peanut Butter contains PEANUTS.

All other varieties, including original Cheerios, Multi Grain Cheerios, Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, Chocolate Cheerios, Cinnamon Burst Cheerios, Frosted Cheerios, Fruity Cheerios, and Yogurt Burst Cheerios, do not contain nuts.

As always, If you’re concerned about allergies, we highly recommend that you always consult the allergen listing and the ingredient label on any product you may consume.

There are so many type of allergies out there. There would be no way to ban all the foods because we’d be left with nothing. I think its up to the parents to check the foods they are purchasing to make sure they are safe! I don’t think the parents of children with no allergic reactions to food have a lack of compassion. What we have is peanut allergy overload. We are told that our kids can’t bring certain foods to school/playgroup/offices/malls because that one in a million kid could die. Well in all honesty, I could die now from a stroke/heart attack or walk outside and get hit by a car. Those are the chances we take each and every day. It is your responsibility to teach your child how to survive in the world, allergy or not. I don’t want my child at school sharing drinks or food — they could contract meningitis and die! Seriously, the peanut thing is wearing really thin as shown of this recent emergency outburst. Peanut butter sandwiches used to be the norm in schools because they were cheap, functional and fairly nutritious. Now we have to watch every single item for fear it “could contain” a nut! It’s crazy!

It’s not like they’re hiding the fact that they’re peanut butter flavored Cheerios? So what’s the problem here? Why not ban Reese’s Puffs? Cap’n Crunch? What’s this fascination to go after Cheerios all of a sudden? Honey-nut Cheerios have been around since before I was even born probably, why aren’t they banned? Why aren’t Snickers, 5th Avenue Bars, Twix, — hell everything with Peanuts in them banned? Why not go all the way with your protest? Don’t half-ass your cause!

I should have shellfish banned because if I come in contact with it in any way, I could die. I should go on an unnecessary wild tangent because of what I’m afraid of. I should ban the cars off the road too because of the accidents I were in, hell I should ban Cancer too, I had a few cancer scares and I think the less people know about this horrible disease the better. Just keep everyone in the dark and everyone should be fine! Please! Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds? Let someone ban something you love with all your heart simply because they’re allergic and you’ll be singing a different tune.

You know what? Just tattoo “I’m allergic  to this that and the other” on your child’s heads so strangers and family members a like will know what your child is allergic to. So if someone gives them something they’re allergic to even after reading the list tattooed on your child’s forehead they’ll be held responsible and not you. Otherwise, you mind as well get used to it, we as a people will not conform to your needs because we supposed to be paranoid about what your child is allergic to. As we as a people supposed to walk around and avoid buying certain items for our children to take to school to eat because you’re too lazy to take care of your children? No! You’re are their parents, you’re supposed to be responsible for them. Put your child inside of a bubble and call it a day.

Don’t worry, I get it. I’m allergic but I’m responsible.

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