Letter to My Daughter | Entry #1: Time

Hey my little goober.

I’m up and awake and I figured this is a good time as any to reflect on you – my daughter.

You are so sweet. You’re very smart and curious. You don’t know how to crawl yet, but you do get everywhere and into everything. These are times I’m going to weep for because I’m going to miss them so much. It’s going to devastate me. Time is vicious and I know these are the moments I need to treasure. I didn’t get much of a chance with your brother. There was so much stress, so much worry and conflict that I don’t remember most of it.

I can’t do that with you. I need to be able to remember what your cheeky grin look like from off the top of my head. I don’t want those memories to fade. I’ve taken so many videos and pictures of just the little things you do. I want to be able to remember those moments forever.

You’d think I’d be able to, but here’s the thing: Mommy is slowly, but surely losing her memory. They don’t know what’s causing it, but mommy is having a rough time remember important things. Don’t worry though, I’m getting it looked at.

Mommy loves you and your brother so very much.

She’s Spitting Up So Much! | Do I Have to Stop Breastfeeding?

This is no regular spit up. She’s spitting up a huge amount every single time. It happens 8-20 times a day on average. It always reminds me of ‘The Exorcist’ when she does. When I’m holding her and she spits up it’s always a lot. It leaves puddles on the carpet and she wakes up in puddles of her own vomit. When she’s awake and laying on her back she grunts a lot – a whole lot.

When she’s spitting up she never look to be as if she’s in pain. She could be in the middle of babbling and she’ll spit up as if it was nothing. Other times she could be entertaining herself while laying down and end up choking on her vomit.

I’ve changed my diet many times and nothing I eat seems to change her amount of vomit. At this point, it’s more than just spit up, she’s throwing up. I don’t know what to do other than starting her on formula. It pains me to have to say that, it frustrates me that I have to think about it. I didn’t get a chance to breastfeed my son and I was so looking forward to breastfeeding my daughter for at least a year. Here it is, not even 3 months in and I’m stuck deciding on if she’s just allergic to my breast milk.

When I talked to her pediatrician, she told me to cut back on feeding her seeing as I make so much of it. She thinks she’s engorging herself because of how much I make. Well, I’ve tried that and there’s no change and it leaves her crying and screaming for more.

If you look at her, you couldn’t tell that she has a problem with keeping food down, she’s huge. She weighs a few ounces shy of 13 pounds. I honestly don’t know what to do here but to switch her food. I really don’t want to, but what else is there? If I change my diet anymore, I’d be stuck with just drinking water and eating unsalted crackers.

2 Months Today | My Sweet GIrl

Well my mama turned 2 months today. That’s 8 whole weeks! She’s put on some weight and she’s getting heavy. I’m still breastfeeding and I’m proud of myself for making it this far.

Funny thing happened this evening. I was getting my daughter’s bath ready and her father was helping. He fatmamatook off her diaper and was about to hand her to me and she crapped on his hand and the rest made a huge plop on the floor. There was none on her butt, it somehow slipped through the cracks of his fingers and made a perfect splat on the floor. I lost it. It was so funny! Luckily, we were in the bathroom.

My sweet daughter has given her father the blues. She exploded all over him; that was messy. It was in places we didn’t realize until after the fact. Mustard colored poop was everywhere! We were able to laugh at it all. It just seems she waits until she’s in his arms to explode and spit up all over him.

Anyway she’s giving me these huge smiles and she wakes up very talkative in the morning. Kicking her feet, swinging her arms, cooing and squealing while laying in between her father and I. Life could be better, but for the most part, with moments like those, life is great.

Hey Baby…

My sweet, innocent baby. I’m so worried about you. I’m so worried to the point that I’m second-guess what’s wrong. Is it, whooping-cough, croup, or something else? As I hold you in my arms and your body mybabybegins to rock and shake because of how hard you’re coughing, it’s so hard to hold back the tears. While I hear your loud shrieks and the screams that come when you’re coughing, I keep hoping that it doesn’t get worse. I keep hoping that this is just a cold.

This cold and flu season hasn’t been kind to children and that makes me twice as worried. I’m here with you, sweetheart. I just want you to get better. Your mom never experienced a sick newborn before so I’m a bit high-strung. Especially since last night. Last night you wouldn’t fall asleep any other way unless it was in my arms. The coughing was violent, you’d gasp for air and then shriek. The coughing and screaming was so loud, I thought you’d wake up your father. By the time you fell into a comfortable slumber in my arms, the sun was rising. All that time, I spent worrying about your sleep that I neglected mine. We’re both sick, but I can manage.

Please be okay, little one. I love you.

My Baby is Sick | My Son Bought Home The Ick

My three-year-old son came back from being with his relatives up in Cleveland with the ick. Now, Maya and I are sick. Maya sounds like she has something rattling in her face every time she breathes. It’s nerve-wrecking hearing her sound like that. It breaks my heart. mayama

I didn’t get an apology from the father, he knew he was bringing him back with a cold. If walls could talk…

I’m so worried about my little mama because she’s having a hard time breast-feeding; she can barely breathe out of her nose. She hates when I have to get the bulb and suck all the snot and boogers out and I hate that I have to do it.

She had a fever and it finally broke. I just hope it doesn’t get any worse. I’d hate to have to take her in this frigid cold to the hospital. With no car and limited bus travel (bus only run on weekdays every 3 or so hours and stops at 5 pm) that would be a nightmare.

All I can do is cuddle her and get us through this together. My cold is gradually getting worse but I can deal with it. I just hope Maya can, too.

December 25th, 2014

I wasn’t sure how to title this post so I went with the date. Today was just an ordinary day for me. It was spent eating lasagna and Texas toast while catching up on news for Final Fantasy XIV. My daughter slept on and off throughout the day; only waking up to feed and look around for a bit. Her great-grandmother and grandma came over today to drop off my son his holiday gifts. He’s in Cleveland spending the holidays there with his grandma, grandpa, and other relatives. His step-granddad and one of my fiance’s friends got my son toys, too. I would have to say that my son is set in the toy department this year.

Outside of that today was okay. I managed to make it through this holiday season without having to watch a single movie with Santa in it. I did though watch a series of animes: Parasyte and Tokyo Ghoul. I’m going down my list of gory anime and I’ve only begun.

It was very quiet, calm and peaceful here today; mostly because most of that time was spent sleeping.

Happy Holidays!

You’re a Month-old Today!

mayama Oh my little mama, time sure has flown! I love you so much, Mama. Yes, that’s what I call you, it just stuck when I first seen your face a month ago.

You’re getting bigger and stronger everyday and that makes your father and I so very happy. We can’t wait till you’re laughing and interacting with us more. Right now, you’re just sleeping a lot – and eating.

Still have day and night mixed up, but that’s fine. When you are awake you’re nursing and then you pass out just to wake up 5 minutes later to finish where you started. You’re like an old woman sometimes.

You had a doctor’s appointment a couple weeks ago and they were worried about your weight. You weren’t at your birth weight yet. I talked to WIC and they told me not to worry because breastfed babies gain weight differently.

As long as you’re healthy and not losing a dangerous amount of weight, you’re fine in my book. Your spit-up, though has me a bit concerned. I don’t know if it’s reflux or you’re simply eating too much. It bothers me because of how much it is. I know your stomach isn’t that big and some of the milk that comes is undigested yet, it still looks like the milk from my breast.

It could also be something I’m eating, I’ve done a bit of research and I’m still waiting on the pediatrician to get back with me on that.

Anyway, you’re happy, I’m happy, your dad is happy, so everything is fine.

I love you, Mama.

My First Week Home With Maya

Today Maya is a week old. Time sure flew by. It feels like I just had her yesterday. I love her so much already. I didn’t P1020320think I had room in my heart left to love another. I thought my son took and kept all the love for himself. I thought I’d given it all to him. I can’t wait for him to meet her. Due to how troubling my health was after she got here, he’s still up in Cleveland at his grandparents house having a ball.

I’m sitting here as I’m typing this crying my eyes out. I knew those hormones was going to wait after I had her to rear their ugly head. I’m so happy and I feel like I don’t deserve it. I’m always beating myself up and oftentimes, it isn’t warranted.

As far as Maya goes, shes wonderful, she eats a lot, sleeps a lot, pees and poops a lot. She doesn’t cry a lot or open her eyes a lot, but that will probably come with time. I noticed that I’m less stressed out this time around. When my son was born, I kind of hated life. Late night formula feedings were such a pain. I regret not sticking to breastfeeding, listening to those people at WIC telling me to switch to formula because they thought I wasn’t making enough still bug me. Now, all I have to do is pop a boob out and everyone is happy.

I also don’t feel like I’m doing this alone and getting judged every five seconds because they feel since they raised their nieces and nephews that they have the right to belittle my new parenting. It feels good to be at ease. I have to say that I’m really enjoying parenting.

 

Well She’s Here! | My Birth Story

maya

Maya R. W. 7lbs 40z 20in

Well so much for the to-do list, Maya came early! It was one hell of a ride getting her here, too. I must say that this pregnancy was definitely different from my first. I was more scared around this time due to how she came early and why.

The Falls

Last week I fell in my bathroom getting up from the toilet. I became dizzy and ended up in the tub. I hit my ass and then landed on my back. I was okay from that fall for the most part. My son on the other hand was having a cow. He kept asking me if I was alright and kept telling me to eat my dinner. I thought it was very protective of him and something I don’t see often. He was like my little protector while his step-dad was away at work.

The second fall happened the next day in the afternoon. There was still snow and ice on the ground and I decided that this was the perfect time to get my stir-crazy ass out of the house for a bit – not. My son wanted bananas, I wanted to take a walk so yea I thought everything was fine. My first mistake was putting on tennis shoes and not my winter boots. I’m still beating myself up over that fact. Well right at the first sign of ice I almost had an oops; I managed to save myself from that one. 25 paces towards a small, minuscule, harmless patch of ice that could have been avoided, I bust my ass. When I fell, I tried to cushion the fall and catch myself but ended up kneeing myself in the belly. I fell flat on my back and laid there for a bit allthewhile trying to convince myself to get up. That involved rolling from side to side to gain enough momentum to land on one side to get up. I laid there though for a good 1 minute or so, looking up at the sky, contemplating life; wondering why I fell on such a small piece of ice when I managed to electric slide my ass past the bigger patch. After realizing this was all my fault, I managed to sit up. Now, the hard part was bending my now hurt knee to get up. Mind you, I’m still on the ice I slipped on. Luckily, someone pulled over and helped me up. He asked if I was okay and I told him yea. Once he was convinced, he left me with my hurt pride and a few kind words: “You take care of that baby!” and that was that.

I continued on to the store – bruised pride and all. By the time I got there though, that wasn’t the only thing that was bruised. I could barely walk. No one in the store seemed to notice this limping, pregnant woman wincing and moaning around in their store. I did my grocery shopping and limped back home. When I got there, I told my fiancé that I fell and he immediately got upset that he let me go in the first place when he didn’t want me to. I told him that I could barely walk and that I may need to call for an ambulance. I ended up calling my 24-hour nurse line first and of course they told me to get my ass to the hospital. So after that call, I ate a bit, gave my son his bananas and pop tarts – that he managed to get all over the living room, I called his “dad” and had him pick him up a day early, once my son was gone I then called 911. They were here 5 minutes later.

Two vehicles showed up and now there were 8 people in my home looking down at me as I sit on my exercising ball. I told them what happened and they agreed that I needed to be seen at the hospital. I couldn’t walk down the stairs so they got their stair chair stretcher thingy-mabob. That was fun.

The Hospital – University Hospital

hospital

I don’t like needles to begin with…

Now I’m at the hospital and I still can barely move my legs. A guy nurse came in to poke me in the arm with needles. He didn’t seem like he wanted to be at work that day. He decided to not even try to get me in the bend of my arm, he went for the gusto and got me right in my wrist. That shit hurt. That wasn’t the fun part; I had to repeat my story 5-6 times to 2 different people and I’m surprised my patience lasted that long. Once they finally got what happened after me telling them for the 7th time, they decided to get in contact with my nurse practitioner where I was receiving my prenatal care. It took them two damn hours. TWO to find out where I was going for my prenatal care. I gave them all the information they needed and it wasn’t until I had to repeat once again where I was going that finally something clicked in their head.

They decided they needed to do an ultrasound and then an x-ray. The ultrasound went fine. The technician was telling me that she was measuring at 38 weeks due to how long her legs were. I was surprised, but then again, at my first ultrasound they told me I was measuring a little far ahead. I was just glad she was okay. Next was the x-ray. There was a little discrepancy with that because the technician didn’t know that there was an order for me to have an x-ray even though I was pregnant. They needed one because they wanted to make sure my pelvic bone wasn’t broken. I had to go back to my room and sit there for another 30-40 minutes. I finally got my x-ray and back to my room I went. Climbing in and out of that hospital bed took a lot of work. They didn’t check my cervix or did any vaginal tests and they didn’t tell me the results of the x-ray so I assumed everything was fine.

Where is my fiancé you ask? He’s at work. At this point we are assuming that everything is okay and that I’ll be going back home soon. Well it didn’t pan out that way. The doctor on call at this emergency room wanted me transported to the maternity ward at the hospital where I was getting my prenatal care. They didn’t have all the tools needed to monitor me and the baby; baby heart monitor, contraction monitors, etc. Once I found that out, I called my fiancé and let him know what was going on, they let him leave work early and he headed to the hospital where I was; hoping he got there before they transported me. He brought me something to eat and we sat there and talked about any and everything but the reason I’m at the hospital. We began discussing the plan on whether they will be keeping me or not at the maternity ward. I told him that I will keep in touch with him. Transport was hours from picking me up when it was all said and done. My fiancé decided to head home and will meet up with me the following day. I arrive at the maternity ward around 10:30 that night. So you can imagine how long I was in the emergency room.

Summa Akron City Hospital Maternity Ward

I was put in triage and had very lovely nurses; I loved their personalities. They hooked me up to the contraction and fetal heartbeat monitors while I repeated thrice again what happened, then once again when the OB/GYN doctor came in to check my cervix.  Once they ran their tests, nurses were in and out of my room getting more and more information out of me and having me sign papers and such. From what the nurses were telling me then, everything looked fine. Around 1:00 that morning I was asked how I was getting home. I had the foggiest clue. I had 20 bucks on hand and that wasn’t enough for a taxi. I could barely walk as it was and it looks like my only route was to camp out at the hospital until the first available bus to the transit center started running. My mind was running a mile a minute and I was beginning to worry. They kept coming in asking me if I found a way home yet and had to tell them no. I was still weighing my options. 30 minutes go by, I’m still in my gown from the previous hospital – I have two on actually so I could cover my butt. I’m still hooked up to the monitors so I decided to eat the rest of my food that I bought with me when the doctor of the day came in to tell me that they will be keeping me. They didn’t like how Maya was reacting to the contractions. Her heart rate would drop every time I had one. Oh shit…I called my fiancé.

They had a maternity room cleaned and that’s where everything was going to go down. They hooked me back up to my monitors that were god-awful uncomfortable and watched me from their desks out in the hallway. Every so often they would come in and readjust because I moved. They also would come and ask me if I needed anything. All I wanted to do was to sleep. I wanted things to be okay. I wanted to go home.

My Fiance

He’s at home tripping balls. He was already worried that they had to transport me and I was there in the hospital alone and now he’s worried that something was wrong with Maya. He still haven’t left yet because I wanted to make sure that he wouldn’t be wasting bus fare. I talk to him for a while, telling him that the nurses have conflicting stories. They’re saying that everything looks fine, it’s just Maya isn’t liking the contractions and that I could be going home or I may not. Fiance too wired to go to sleep, I told him to calm down and then went I to sleep.

Induction

Later that morning a nurse and a doctor walks in to my room to tell me that they will be inducing me and that an anesthesiologist will be in to talk to me. They decided it would be safer to induce me than to send me home and something happens; they don’t want to be liable for that. Now I’M TRIPPING BALLS.

Back At Home

I call my fiancé and tell him that they’re inducing me and now he’s tripping on all the balls and is now running around like a maniac trying to get everything together. I text him everything I needed – my hospital bag wasn’t packed yet. Maya’s was packed weeks ago so that was one less thing for him to worry about. He calls me to tell me that he couldn’t find the camera. Now I’m more worried about him not finding the camera  more than the induction. I didn’t get to take photographs with my son and I really wanted pictures this time around. He then tells me that he’s going to stay here a while longer and get the house cleaned up a bit. He didn’t want Maya “coming home to a dirty house”. I hang up with him to let him calm his tits while I lay in the hospital bed looking at the ceiling trying to calm mine. I ended up falling asleep.

Anesthesiologist

I woke up to a woman dressed in scrubs and a mask standing at the end of my bed. She tells me she’s from the anesthesiologist department. She was there to discuss what my plans were on pain relief. I just looked at her for a few seconds. I was still reeling from the fact that this was happening. I wasn’t ready. I needed more time. I wanted to go home and get ready for Thanksgiving. I wanted to put this entire fall behind me, but here I am, talking to this nice woman about pain relief. So I told her what my plan was and she told me the procedures and what will be required from me. She handed me some papers to sign and was on her way. She reassured me the guy was really good and is an expert at what he did – gosh I hope so! – She had to mention the 30 years in practice he acquired. Later on you’ll read why that doesn’t mean a goddamned thing.

Cytotec or Foley Bulb

The next woman to enter my room was there to talk about the initial induction. She told me that I could either get foleythe Cytotec pill inserted – which cannot be stopped if the contractions come too fast or too painful, or the Foley Bulb – or balloon – that is inserted up past the baby’s head and blown up to widen my cervix. She then tells me that she will start off with the Foley Bulb, both sound scary as hell. I kind of wanted the pill, but shit either way I’m going to be in pain.

I’m here alone with my thoughts, scared out of my ass, but you couldn’t tell by how quick I fell asleep after the nurse left to get prepped.

The Induction

The pain was a bitch. She had to check my cervix to see if I was dilated and it felt like hot poker sticks were getting jammed in my cervix. She tells me that I’m about a 1 and that would be enough to insert the Foley Bulb. Her assistant nurse hands her all of what she needed and she went to town. It felt like she was in there forever. Why? Because she couldn’t get to where she needed to be because Maya’s head was in the way. “She’s right there.” All I could do is continue doing my breathing. They kept telling me that I was doing a good job on my breathing, I was surprised because I haven’t been to not one birthing class with either pregnancy. Anyway, she’s still up in there and she finally get it past her head and I’m so relieved I almost thanked Zeus.

Satan’s Penicillin

They then hook me up to Pitocin, Penicillin and some other third thing I can’t remember. I never needed penicillin before so when my arm began feeling like it was on fire I freaked! I didn’t get a warning or anything. That pain shot straight up to my shoulder and stayed there like a mother-in-law who refuses to go home. I started screaming “What is that?! What the hell is that?!” while looking at my arm. I call for a nurse and it felt like she was taking forever to get to my room. The longer she took the worse it got. I wanted to drag my arm through Alaska. A nurse entered my room and she wasn’t “my nurse” so she went and got my nurse. She came back with ice in a glove and I was forever grateful. That’s when they tell me that penicillin burns like a bitch.

Why?

Why did my fiancé bring all of her clothes, diapers, cloth diapers, bottles and other items when her bag was packed? I don’t know, but I’m sure it had a lot to do with him losing his shit. My hospital bag was all of her things. Most of what I asked for was left at the house. I couldn’t help but laugh. I kept telling him if she had to stay they’d provide everything she would need at the hospital.

Time Drags On…

Every couple of hours a nurse came in to up the Pitocin and then check my cervix. I was at 7cm before the contractions got uncomfortable. The nurses were looking at me amazed at how calm I was, telling me, “you make this look so easy! You’re doing so good!” I thought I was doing a horrible job.

Fiance shows up around 6 or 7 that evening. I was dilated at about a 9 and finally wanted the epidural. The first time I got it was in and out. This anesthesiologist was going in out, left, right, readjusting, etc. When he finally got it in and I was able to relax, I was good from there on out. Me and fiancé conversed until it was time for me to push. Which was around 4 the next morning.

She came in to this world at 4:25 am 11.22.14.maya

Postpartum

Well, it’s Thanksgiving day and I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions and pains. I ended up having to go back to the hospital. I spent thanksgiving in the hospital. You can read about that here.

Anyway, I only had a 1st-degree tear which was great. I barely bled, another plus. The light at the tunnel though? The color of pain. My breasts were sore. I still could barely walk when I got up from bed or where I was sitting. It always felt like I worked out like a maniac the previous day.

For the most part I was fine. I was able to move and function during the day. but around the same time every night I would get this sharp  pain on the right side of my abdomen. It would gradually go away then come back stronger. As days went by the pain started off more painful and lasted longer. I had no idea what was going on.

Maya

I was able to bring her home with me since she was considered term – 37 weeks. She’s perfect. My breasts are sore as hell. Breastfeeding has been more successful this time around. It took her a minute to get the hang of it because she was getting so frustrated at first. She’s a sleeper and very grouchy if you wake her up. She keeps her eyes closed 99% of the time so when she does open them it’s always a treat. She’s like her father but more extreme; she hates the light; artificial or natural. She has a bit of jaundice in her eyes but they said that it was normal. She lost more than a couple of ounces while in the hospital due to my attempts at keeping her fed. As long as she don’t lose more than 10% of her birth weight then it’s fine.

I can’t wait til her big brother can see her.

 

The Most Annoying Things My Son Does

Raising a child isn’t always buckets of sunshine and Skittles. There are times where they can drive you nuts! Here are the things that my son does that gets under my skin:

  1. He climbs. He doesn’t climb on furniture, he doesn’t climb trees, he doesn’t climb in the toilet or tub – he climbs me. Yep, he’ll climb on me and try to sit on my head – not fun.
  2. Headbutting. He has a sense of rhythm so when the mood suits him, I’m playing music and if he’s sitting in my lap facing me, he’ll headbutt me on beat of the song. I listen to a lot of rock music so…yea, it gets pretty annoying dodging a rock solid object aiming to make you cry.
  3. Hair pulling. The hair pulling annoys me the most because he’s a strong little thing and when he grabs on, he doesn’t let go. Usually, when he release the grip he has on my hair, there’s a hand full of my hair and I’m left wondering how I have any hair left.
  4. Everything belongs in the sink. My son puts everything he owns in the sink: his stuffed animals, his cars, his clothes, etc. It’s very annoying and there’s not much I can do about it but deal with it.
  5. What’s mine belongs to him but only when I’m using it. When I’m on the computer, if I’m on the phone, if I’m putting on my shoes even, if Adam feel that he wants to play with those things, he’s going to.
  6. “Hi, there! I’m your second shadow!” Yea, like I need another one of those. What’s with children standing directly behind you without making a sound, and then when you go and turn around you have to pretty much turn into  an Olympic gymnast to jump over them or around them. My son does that and he’ll jump in your path as you’re walking just to make your heart skip a beat. Totally uncool.
  7. “I jut ate. I’m so full I look pregnant but what you’re eating looks good too. I want it!” When it’s time for mommy to eat afterfeeding her son to the point where he should explode from all of what was shoved down his gullet, she can’t because her son is obviously still hungry. Anyway, when it’s time for mommy to eat, she has to put enough on her plate for two as if she’s pregnant again. Asilee cannot have her food and enjoy it, she has to feed the black hole that is her son. I can’t help but ask him, “Where does it all go?” then follow-up by saying, “Don’t answer that”.
  8. “I’ll just use your arm to direct you to what I want, thanks” I don’t know if it’s just my son that does this but I’ve never heard of this before I had kids. My son, my very smart and mischievous son will grab me by the wrist and pull on it to direct it to what he wants if it’s out of reach. When it’s out of reach, that means he’s not supposed to have it. So, he thinks, if he uses my arm to get it, then he can have it. WRONG!
  9. The get down just to get back up game. My son love sitting on my lap but he’ll get down and in that .5 second it took him to get down he’ll scream for me to pick him back up. This goes on for as long as I allow it, which isn’t long.
  10. The crib escapee. I mind as well break down his crib into a toddler bed – hell, I mind as well pack it up because this look rascal will climb out of his crib and climb in the bed with me. He’s either out of the crib and in my bed or in the living room asleep on the floor. That’s not the annoying part, though. His version of a wake-up call is to sit on my face with an almost bursting wet diaper. Why have Folgers when you wake up?
  11. “Your pain brings me joy, mommy…” My son finds the toys that hurt the most to throw at me. When I tell him, “no, you don’t do that!” He get’s all wide-eyed as if he’s about to cry, but he doesn’t cry, he laughs. If I believed in heaven or hell, I’d be convinced my son wasSatan.
  12. My son the goofball. This is more funny than annoying. He has this thing where he makes faces at the camera, now instead of doing something cute or doing what other children do and just continue to do what they were doing and ignore the camera. He will stop whatever he was doing and make a face at the camera. “I’ll teach you! No more cute pictures will be taken of me…. dammit!”
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