I Thought Everything Was Okay…

Source: Deviant art: Ajgiel

Source: Deviant art: Ajgiel

I’m not the greatest person to be in a relationship with, I know that, but I’ve sat here thinking that my relationship was okay. We moved away from our huge problems and I thought that what was wrong with us. Soon as we moved things got better. I was happy to get away from the hell hole I was in. I thought everything was okay.

A little back history: I’ve never been in a relationship where the person I’m with truly cared about me. I’ve never been in a relationship where I would be up worrying and pacing back and forth about them when they leave to run an errand. I never been in a relationship where I loved this hard. I’ve never been so afraid to lose someone who wasn’t my son.

I’m the least affectionate person anyone would ever know. It’s mostly because I was never treated that way in life before my fiancé came along. The rest is from fear. Fear that if I let that person have that last 5% of my heart they’ll leave or I’ll lose them in a way. I’m afraid if I stop worrying, if I don’t give them that last 5% they’ll be okay; they’ll always be around. By they I mean my fiancé.

Anyway, today my fiancé finally told me how he felt even though I was led to believe despite the things that were already made aware that everything was okay. How wrong I was and I feel like shit. I’ve left my fiancé thinking that I don’t care about him or his feelings, that I don’t find him attractive because my awkward, outward responses to certain things he do. I honestly don’t blame him. Saying that I was like this with all my other significant others wouldn’t make it any better. It would actually contradict my first statement. How could I tell someone I would give my life for; the only one outside of my son that make me happy and want to live and breathe for that “It’s like this with everyone I’m with“? What? That’s not right.

There are huge changes between my past relationships and this one but don’t mean shit. I’m at a crossroads on what I should do, how I should feel. I’ve been thinking about what he said all day and I can’t help but beat myself up over it. It’s hard because I thought we were okay. He tells me that he’ll get over it but I don’t want him to. I may not be all that good with relationships but that doesn’t sound like something that can be gotten over. I’m just at lost for words right now and I don’t even know how to approach bringing it back up. I’m not sure how much it took for him to even tell me but when he did I didn’t really say anything, I just left it alone and left the room. Super dick move, right? I know.

I just know how I am. I know how I can get. I can get defensive and that’s not what was needed right then.

I’m questioning my part in this relationship. I feel that it’s not wise to get married, not for a while. Not until I can be the person I need to be in order for this relationship to last like I desperately want it to. I thought I was doing things different this time. I thought since I opened up more than I ever have; cared more than I ever have; cherished more than I ever have that I thought everything was okay. Well everything isn’t, not at all. I honestly don’t know what to do or say.

I think when the last bit of self-esteem and confidence disappeared 3 years ago that’s when part of me gave up – I’m stuck on which part gave up. I honestly don’t know. From the confusion on whether I’m asexual or if it’s just my libido that’s fucked up from getting molested for so many years as a child from getting forced to do things with my ex-husband that I didn’t want to do or said no to from trying to see what they see when they look at me when all I see is this ugly decrepit woman, it has me emotionally confused. My mind is running all over the place when my fiancé looks at me. My mind is all over the place when I hear my voice when I talk to him. My mind is running all over the place when I’m naked in front of him. My mind is all over the place when he pulls me close at night. My mind is in constantly in nonstop unrest. I go to sleep and wake up feeling the same way. I feel like I don’t deserve him.

I wish I could tell him how I feel, but I wouldn’t know where to begin; I wouldn’t know how to say it. I’ve always been one of those types that could type out thoughts better than standing in front of someone and speak my mind unless I’m angry. Then, I’m like a drunk person, my thoughts get a voice and they’re the truest words that leave my mouth. Usually when I get that mad I regret nothing because I always mean what I say. Always. I never once go back and apologize for what I said when I’m angry because they were my honest, raw feelings. I used to throw shit when I was angry, now that I have kids, it’s better to voice what I’m feeling.

My fiancé wants it to go back to how things were when we first met. I didn’t think things changed that much since then. It just shows how oblivious and how far off I was with thinking everything was okay.

I never want to not be in his life, but if we don’t make it, it won’t be anyone’s fault but mine. I’m so fucking stupid.

I never had someone who loved me this hard and this much. Any woman with a modicum of common sense would be lucky to be in my shoes and here I am fucking it up and not even knowing it – well now I do, but before today…didn’t have the slightest clue. I just wish I knew what to do besides listen to him and understand that those are his feelings. I feel so helpless.

I have this feeling that my depression, my low self-esteem, and lack of confidence is going to be what kill something I’ve been looking for practically all of my life. I’d be so devastated and I’ll probably fall back into that slump I was in before I met him. Popping antidepressants and snapping at everything that rubs me the wrong way.

We’ve had so many firsts and so many good memories throughout this relationship. There’s definitely more good in this relationship than bad. We’ve been in our new place since August and we’ve argued once. We are on the same level on so many things, but when it comes to me and who I am and how I see things, I’m water and he’s oil. I’m so used to being attacked, talked down on, lied on, used, abused that my first thing to do is throw up a wall and immediately get defensive. I wish I could stop that. I wish I could stop bottling up my emotions, too, but I know that’s something that will have to be rewired in my brain over time.

He was willing to take me, my son and my baggage without blinking. He immediately treated me like his equal and protected my son. He’d come to my son’s speech therapy lessons, travel up to see me in Cleveland when I was still living there. He helped me get off of Cymbalta, he helped me find a happiness in my life and so much more and I can’t even get something as simple as sex right. What kind of wife would I be? There’s so much I want to tell him, so much I want to do for him, but I’m so much of a fucking coward that I’ll fuck it all up.

I’m in a birth group for when I’m due on BabyCenter.com and a lot of those women are bitter, sad, mad and having so many issues with their husbands, boyfriends, fiances, etc. A lot of them end up saying: “I never thought this would be me. Never thought this would be me. I’m always seeing other women lose their significant others. I was so sure that we were secure in our relationship and now here I am!” I’m not foolish enough to sit and think losing my fiancé isn’t plausible. It very well can happen to me and I think about that every single day.

I love my fiancé, my son and my unborn daughter more than I’ll ever love myself.

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2 comments

  1. E. C. · November 17, 2014

    *hugs* It’s tough. Its really tough. 7 years into marriage, and 2 children, I’m dealing with some of the same issues.

    Your low libido may be partially hormonal. Post-kids, it drops. Sometimes for a few years. If you didn’t get your thyroid tested after the boy was born, get it tested. If its off, as can happen after pregnancy, that can cause low libido too.

    If you want things to continue, talk with him. It doesn’t have to be verbal – if you feel more comfortable, write it. He needs to know where you are coming from. The pair of you will need to establish and maintain habits of communication – and now is a crucial time to start. If you can’t talk it out, tell him you’ll write it out. Then go do that right away. And give it to him. If you need processing time to absorb what he is saying, and respond, tell him that too. Then tell him when he can expect a response – that deadline will help keep you from putting off dealing with it.

    You’re a good, wonderful, strong woman. Do not devalue yourself. Know your worth, and dont try to be humble and hide it. (I’m not saying to brag about it – just don’t downplay it, or dismiss or deny compliments.). From this position of honest self-worh will come the confidence and ability to relax and share yourself with others. Trusting and talking with your ‘other’ will let him support you in this.

    And hug your boy! Because he’s wonderful too, and you can’t ever hug your children too many times!

    • Lee · January 10, 2015

      Thank you so much for this. Your comment really helped me.

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