A Letter to My 18-month-old Son

Hey sweetie,

You’re 18 months today and you are totally unaware of the evil that occurred, today. When I read that 20 children were slain today because of one person, all I could do was hold and kiss you. You got into so much today and you clocked me a few times with really solid and blunt objects (i.e. your toys) and all I could do was be grateful that you’re here with me. I listened to your laugh, your cries, your frustration; all of your emotions, today; it was music to my ears. The shooting that happened in Connecticut makes me want to shield you from the outside world. I want to keep you in my arms forever, but I know that I cannot.

It hurts to know that there are 20 children that won’t be here to open up their gifts this holiday. There are parents who will have to bury their little ones and say their goodbyes. I cannot begin to fathom the pain and anguish the parents are going through now, and I hope I never have to. When a parent lose a child, I don’t understand how they can live on from there. What pushes them forward? What gets them through the week? How can time ultimately make things easier for a parent who loses a child? I can’t seem to wrap my head around how strong they must be.

Adam, I tell you that I love you every day, at least 50-100 times. You are the center of my universe, the apple of my eye, my little sunshine. You’re my hero, you’ve saved me more than once and I thank you by showing you all the love I can give to you. I can’t picture my life without you in it and for that very same reason, I make sure I cherish every single moment I have with you; the good and the bad.

One day, I will no longer be here but by then you will be confident in knowing that I loved you more than life itself and would give my life protecting you.

I love you, sweetheart.


Baby Daddy Drama: You Want to See Him Or You Can’t!

I’m black, if you haven’t noticed. We don’t exactly have good track records on who [we] lay down and have kids with. The guy usually ends up being a dead-beat once he finds out he may be the father. This is not one of those cases. I’m one of those who know exactly who I lay down and having unprotected intercourse with – or so I thought.

My son’s father is on a mission: a mission to piss me the hell off. We argue and disagree on the amount of time Adam Jr. gets to spend with Adam Sr. and it’s not much. He’ll say, “I can’t see him right now, I’m trying to get my life together and I can’t just bring him with me to my parents house because they may have things to do”. Well today, he get’s on Facebook and decides to blast me on my news feed. Saying that he had to “track me down” because I can’t send him a phone call. He knows his son is fine and he’ll know if he wasn’t. I can’t call anyone if my phone is lost and off. He’d be pissed if I used my ex-boyfriend’s phone to call him, right? Right.

That was some tracking down he did, I bet all it took was 2 minutes to log into Facebook and send me that asinine comment.

I’m getting sick of his excuses on why he cannot see his son. He works at the football stadium – 12-hour shifts and what kills me is he don’t work the entire week. The days he don’t work, he’s playing HALO 4 on his Xbox 360. Okay if he can play with people on a console in – I guess – a house that’s not his, he can see spend time with his son in the very same house, right? Right. I’m not the one being evasive here; I want him to spend time with his son.

The moment he get’s mad when things don’t go his way, he’ll make a statement by saying something he think will get under my skin. There’s only so many times he can mention Johnny, or Ced before it loses its effect. All of the times he think I’m avoiding his phone calls because he think I have company over, I’m usually asleep. I’m not avoiding his calls, I have a crappy phone with even crappier service and he’s constantly complaining about it but won’t buy me a new one.

For someone who can find a way to come and get my Turtle Beach headphones from me so he can talk to his friends on his Xbox 360 while playing Halo 4, he don’t have the same effort to come and see his son. I’m getting sick of his victimizing shit and the excuses – I’m fed up.

He wants to see him but he can’t. “I haven’t seen my son in a month (it hasn’t been no damn month) and I’m getting tired of having to track you down”. Wait, I thought you couldn’t see your son, I thought you had “to get your life together”? What happened to that? Are you having a bad day? Well, I don’t give a rat’s ass, you go ahead and have a bad day but leave me out of it. He needs to make up his mind before I make it up for him. He wants me to take him off Child Support but now that I think about it, why would I do that? He say’s he could pay me what they’re paying me but he’s not paying me a damn thing and they aren’t either. They can’t pay me if he’s not making squat! Even so, if he could pay me with whatever change he gets from working those 2 – maybe 3 days he actually show up, he wouldn’t pay me anyway. He got to “pay back his dad all the money he owe” and all the other people he borrowed money from.

What a load of shit I’ve gotten myself into…

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